


PITCH ONANISM FAILURE FESTIVAL

by orphan_account



Series: HSWC 2014 - Bonus Rounds [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableist Language, Black Romance, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, M/M, Masturbation, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 20:04:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1660766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CCG: OKAY, I KNOW THAT PAST ME IS A HUGE BULGESLURPING MORON, BUT FUTURE ME IS NOW TRYING TO OUTPERFORM HIM, I SEE.<br/>CCG: NOT ONLY HAVE YOU CREATED A WHOLE NEW BOARD THAT APPEARS TO ONLY BE ACCESSIBLE TO VARIOUS KARKATS ALONG THE TIMELINE, BUT "ONANISM," REALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING WITH STRIDER TOO MUCH, OR IS THIS SIMPLY A RESULT OF YOU REGURGITATING WORDS FROM A THESAURUS IN THE HOPES IT WILL MAKE YOU SOUND MORE SOPHISTICATED?<br/>CCG: (CAN I MENTION, IF IT’S THE LATTER, HOW SAD IT IS THAT YOU’RE TRYING IMPRESS YOUR PAST SELF?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	PITCH ONANISM FAILURE FESTIVAL

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doxian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doxian/gifts).



> I swear, doxian has some of the best ideas! I saw their prompt for "Karkat♤Karkat - Remember the time Karkat ended up cybering with himself over Trollian?" in Bonus Round 1 of HSWC 2014 and absolutely had to fill it. Originally posted [here](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/18819.html?thread=3445635&posted=1#cmt3513731).

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 489 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board PITCH ONANISM FAILURE FESTIVAL.  
FCG: JUDGING BY THE FACT THAT THIS MEMO JUST DISAPPEARED FROM MY TROLLIAN, APPARENTLY IT’S TIME FOR ME TO CREATE IT.  
FCG: LOOK, I’M WAY LESS EXCITED ABOUT THIS THAN YOU ARE, TRUST ME. SO JUST HURRY UP AND GET IN HERE SO WE CAN GET THIS IDIOCY OVER WITH.  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: OKAY, I KNOW THAT PAST ME IS A HUGE BULGESLURPING MORON, BUT FUTURE ME IS NOW TRYING TO OUTPERFORM HIM, I SEE.  
CCG: NOT ONLY HAVE YOU CREATED A WHOLE NEW BOARD THAT APPEARS TO ONLY BE ACCESSIBLE TO VARIOUS KARKATS ALONG THE TIMELINE, BUT "ONANISM," REALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING WITH STRIDER TOO MUCH, OR IS THIS SIMPLY A RESULT OF YOU REGURGITATING WORDS FROM A THESAURUS IN THE HOPES IT WILL MAKE YOU SOUND MORE SOPHISTICATED?   
CCG: (CAN I MENTION, IF IT’S THE LATTER, HOW SAD IT IS THAT YOU’RE TRYING IMPRESS YOUR PAST SELF?)  
FCG: IF YOU COULD STOP YOUR YAMMERING LONG ENOUGH TO FIND AN IOTA OF SELF-AWARENESS, YOU’D NOTICE HOW I'M FROM ALMOST THREE WEEKS IN THE FUTURE.  
FCG: THAT RIGHT THERE SHOULD GIVE YOU A GODDAMN GOOD IDEA OF HOW ASHAMED OF THIS CONVERSATION I AM.  
CCG: OH PLEASE. SPARE ME YOUR TRIPE.  
CCG: "THIS IS SO TERRIBLE AND YOU’RE GOING TO SOUND SO DUMB, PAST KARKAT.” YEAH YEAH.  
CCG: SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT WE SWORE OFF THESE STUPID MEMOS.  
FCG: I DID. BUT THEN YOU STARTED HAVING ~FEELINGS~ AGAIN. AND THEY COALESCED INTO SOMETHING THAT NEEDED A SELF-INDULGENT OUTLET, APPARENTLY.  
CCG: I DON'T HAVE "~FEELINGS~", JUST REGULAR OLD FEELINGS, THANKS.  
CCG: AND WHY WOULD I NEED ANY SELF-INDULGENT OUTLET FOR THEM? NONE OF WHICH ARE PARTICULARLY RELEVANT OR EVEN SHAMEFUL RIGHT NOW.  
FCG: HAH, WHAT A JOKE! WHEN HAVE YOU HAD FEELINGS THAT AREN'T SOMEHOW SHAMEFUL? EVEN WITH TEREZI, YOU WERE ASHAMED BECAUSE OF HOW DISGUSTINGLY MULTIQUADRANTED THEY WERE, AND THEN HOW PISS POORLY YOU HANDLED SAID STEW OF EMOTIONS.  
FCG: THEN THERE WAS YOUR "TOTALLY NOT CALIGINOUS BUT DEFINITELY HATEFUL" OBSESSION WITH DAVE, WHICH SOMEHOW MORPHED INTO SOMETHING PALE. AS IF ONE BIZARRE ALIEN QUADRANT WAS BETTER THAN ANOTHER WHEN DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS DISTINCTLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH TROLL ROMANCE.  
CCG: WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING "YOUR"? IF YOU'RE FUTURE ME THEN THESE ARE *OUR* STUPID EMOTIONS. STOP PUTTING ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY ON ME HERE.  
FCG: FIRST OF ALL, I’M DOING IT BECAUSE YOU'RE FURTHER BACK IN THE TIMELINE SO YOU'RE CLOSER TO THE KARKAT WHO HAD THOSE EMOTIONS THAN I AM.  
FCG: SECONDLY, ANY FURTHER ASSOCIATION WITH YOU THAN IS NECESSARY MAKES ME FEEL SICK. SO I’D RATHER AVOID “WE” AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.  
CCG: OH PLEASE, AS IF YOU DON'T GET OFF ON THIS.  
FCG: THIRD OF ALL YOU ARE SERIOUSLY THE MOST AGGRAVATING CLUMP OF FECES I'VE HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF TALKING TO ALL PERIGEE AND THAT INCLUDES BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS FUCKING CONVERSATION!!!  
CCG: YES, BECAUSE YOU'RE SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN ME.  
FCG: YES ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I CURRENTLY HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE EMBARRASSED FOR THE DIRECTION IN WHICH THIS STARSHIPWRECK OF A DIALOGUE IS INEVITABLY GOING.  
FCG: OH AND ALSO BECAUSE BY NOW I'VE COME TO TERMS WITH MY INTEREST IN DIRK, WHICH YOU'RE STILL IN THE MIDST OF DENYING, LIKE A SLITHERBEAST HIDING UNDER A ROCK CLAIMING THAT THE SUN HAS DEFINITELY NOT COME OUT AND HE'S JUST STAYING THERE BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE IT, NOT BECAUSE HE'LL GET FRIED TO A CRISP IF HE MOVES.  
CCG: WOW, SO YOU'VE STOOPED LOW THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY TROLLING ME.  
CCG: I ALMOST THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THERE THAT MAYBE I WAS HARBORING SOME VAGUELY ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HIM THAT I HAD BEEN SUPPRESSING AND WAS LEGITIMATELY IN DENIAL ABOUT BUT YOUR OVER THE TOP INTIMIDATED METAPHOR MAKES IT PAINFULLY OBVIOUS HOW LUDICROUS YOUR CLAIM IS.  
CCG: YOU’RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF SOMETHING THAT’S NOT EVEN ACTUALLY THERE TO TRY TO FUCK WITH ME.  
FCG: AND WHY EXACTLY WOULD I BE LYING, YOU SELF-ABSORBED NIMWIT?  
CCG: I DON'T KNOW; WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME IF YOU’RE SO IMPENETRABLY SMART?  
CCG: YOU PROBABLY MADE IT UP JUST TO GOAD ME.  
FCG: WHY WOULD I WASTE MY TIME MAKING UP SOMETHING LIKE THAT JUST SO I COULD HASSLE SOMEONE AS OBNOXIOUSLY THICK AS YOU?  
CCG: PROBABLY SO YOU COULD MASTURBATE TO YOUR PATHETIC OLD FANTASY OF PAST KARKAT AS YOUR KISMESIS, BY SEEING IF THIS TIME NOW THAT WE’RE BOTH OLDER AND MORE FORWARD YOU COULD ACTUALLY DRAG A CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF FULLY AND UNDENIABLY INTO THE GUTTER.  
CCG: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSED ABOUT ALL THIS.  
FCG: IS THIS SERIOUSLY HOW YOU’RE GOING TO PLAY THIS SHIT OUT?  
FCG: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE.  
FCG: IF THAT’S TRUE THEN ME THREE WEEKS AGO WOULD BE GETTING OFF ON THIS TOO. IN FACT, I KNOW YOU ARE.  
CCG: NO I’M NOT.  
FCG: THEN WHY ARE YOU RUBBING YOURSELF THROUGH YOUR PANTS RIGHT NOW?  
CCG: ...  
FCG: I WAS YOU. AND I (UNFORTUNATELY FOR MY OWN SANITY) REMEMBER TOO MANY DETAILS OF THIS CONVERSATION IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.  
FCG: YOU'RE ALREADY DAMP, PRESSING YOUR FINGERS AGAINST YOUR NOOK THROUGH YOUR PANTS AND BITING YOUR BOTTOM LIP.  
FCG: YOUR FACE IS BURNING WITH EMBARRASSMENT AS YOU READ THIS, TRYING TO DENY THE INEVITABLE NEXT STEP OF TAKING OFF YOUR PANTS.  
CCG: AS IF YOU'RE NOT FUCKING WET RIGHT NOW.  
FCG: GO DIE IN A FIRE. LITERALLY, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. SO I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING DO THIS.  
CCG: I'LL UNZIP MY PANTS IF YOU WILL.  
FCG: NO.  
CCG: WHY, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE?  
FCG: ...

**Author's Note:**

> See more of my writing, shipping ideas, character musings, cosplay, and other nonsense at [gendersquare.tumblr.com](http://gendersquare.tumblr.com).
> 
> Thank you to [stunrunner](http://stunrunner.tumblr.com) for editing!


End file.
